Being the young widow

I wish it didnt still hurt and after almost 5 years I didnt think it would but it does. There I am in church with my children and the marriage conference video/advertisement comes on the screen. It hits me like a ton of bricks. It makes me realize my situation. I am alone. I am a single parent. I am no longer married. I didnt choose this. I didnt want this. It wasnt the life I planned. My life was perfect. I had the perfect husband. I had the houseful of kids I wanted. I was the preachers wife. I had it "all" then it was gone. In one day it was all gone and my life was turned upside down. My perfect husband was gone, my marriage was no more, my kids lost their dad, I was no longer the preachers wife. I was left to pick up the pieces and start over. Find my way in life. Make a totally new path from the one I was traveling. I felt SO lost for so long. Just going through the motions of life. After the kids were in bed at night I was alone. Half of me was gone.
I have come a long way. I have found a new path. I have made peace with it all but still there are times like today when the bricks fall and my pain is exposed but I know it is satans way of hurting me. Whispering in my ear "look what God has done to you" Satan finds our deepest pains and uses then against us. I know my God did not do this to me. He is the one that gives me peace. So I wipe my tears away- look at my four kids and know what a blessing they are- and hold my head up high and face it knowing God is in control!